he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
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So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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