I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
