Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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