The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
