Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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