these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
