Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
