also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
