I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
