Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
