my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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