Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
