But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
