Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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