did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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