I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
But we have bathrooms and they dont
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
