just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
of course. lets lasso hookers.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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