at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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