wat bout pragnant strippers??
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
