I think my fart just growled at me.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
