As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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