i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
