she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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