I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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