she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
