the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
