They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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