Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
