So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
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Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
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Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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