he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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