Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
