I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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