I wish I only lived at night.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
