Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
