My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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