Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
