yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
