I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
