I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
