The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
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He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
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I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.