I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
