you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
barbara walters just said penis...
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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