People in love make me want to vomit
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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