I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
