I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
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i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
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How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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