Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
