my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
