I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
