Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
How's work?
Spinning.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
