and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
