I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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