Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
