the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
