the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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