Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
