Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
