i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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