I wish I could teleport
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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