I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
