Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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