I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
